Who Is In Control?

Taking control of thoughts, emotions, actions and life : No Blue November Day 20–24

These days I am trying to make sense of my emotions, feelings, thoughts, actions and take control of my day to day life.

And find out the root of my all frustrations, where I am, where I want to go and how is also important here. Also important here is to cultivate play and Spontaneity, manage my addiction to structures by letting go and being in the flow.

Balance is always hard, wherever it is —

• in relationships — how much communication will make it effective, how much not, how much sex or touch, how much fight or no fight at all, how much Spontaneity will make it strong or how much fixed set of rules, but there is always communication and tricks,I think being open and able to communicate about your needs make it work most of the times, I don’t know yet as I haven’t yet slept with anyone and I intend to do with someone whom I will marry only.
• in a Day on the available time what tasks should be prioritised and will be given topmost priority, it can be done through time-boundedness though but is accomplishing tasks will give me Sense of fulfilment and joy? or If not how I will cultivate more joy and play in my live? When life will feel more robotic and when not?

One of the women’s who always wanted to sleep with me and even gave me free massage few times when I was sick, said I live a very hard and strict life as I do not sleep with anybody. I am flexible, a lot but on the things that does not conflict with my values.

full disclosure: I am an idealist, but not a saint, although I wanted to be a modern saint while I was growing up but I also I spent a lot amount of time peeking on naked women’s body and while they were masturbating( either at shower or other places, I grew up in rural Bangladesh where mostly bathrooms were open and often times people used to bath open)

I cannot think about more domains now. I need to make money as I calculated I am lacking about $1 k for this month( December-2019), I have written down my plans for making money and how I can do it.

Also as I am dwelling on my investment returns, I need to find out ways to mitigate ways to make 800$ per month, the idea is to work 10 hours per week* 20$ per hour and make 800$ per month which will cover my living and all kind of expenses for me and my brother.

These comes down to the basic equation ..

What I will sell: I can write, solve problems, manage projects, people and do some tech stuff, this is what I will be offering in the market place for now to pay off my bills and debts, right now I am lacking about 60,000 BDT( approx $705) for my current month expenses of which I have to return back my friend maximum portion( 50,000 BDT=587 $)

To Whom I will sell: Obviously people, but I need to find them somehow, Local Bangladeshi people can be an option for that I need to find them through door to door marketing, I don’t have any interest to do that now. Also I am not interested to reconnect with my old colleagues, or people whom I have worked with before.

So for now my only option is the online market place called up-work or wait for if someone if someone finds me through my portfolio.

And How: Bidding for projects in Up-work & Creating a Good Portfolio for people to reach me( I will not invest any time there for now)

How much time I have: About a Month, Up to End of December but I have to exclude 10 days retreat for Vipassana from it.

and if the Plan does not works out how I will survive:

There are several plans B, C to X,Y,Z.

• Re-negotiate a New Date from My friend and cut down costs or
• Withdraw Money from Emergency Savings Account or
• Take a Loan( Interest free/ with interest) Loan from Credit Card, in that case I have to find a repayment scheme too or
• Sell some of the items from my apartment that I do not need much such as my old laptop, cellphones, water filter, I can make a list of those and start taking action slowly, this will help me to declutter my home and give me more mental and physical space.

Anyways I have spent a lot of time writing this, in between also I have conversed with quite a few folks in library, wrote few sentences in the logical love letter I have started writing today to my probable future mate.

Other Sections:

Money Spent on 24th November 2019:

1. Commute — Rickshaw — 50 + Bus — 45( 15+10+10+10)
2. Food — Rice — 25+ Tea — 23( 5+5+5+8) +Singara — 15( 10+5)+ Peanuts — 10+ Coffee — 10+ Book — 10+ Photocopy+ Paper — 8 + Alur Chop — 5

Total Daily Cash Credit — 201 BDT ( Commute — 95+ Food — 88+ Stationary — 18)

Money Income — Zero

Time Spent on 24th November 2019:

1. Gym — only Cardio
2. Library — Writing Blog, Reading Digital Minimalism, Talking with folks here

I am trying to find an effective way of defining my work and build sense of fulfilment within. Probably I will be able to do it as I continue on my journey.

With this on a quite MonDay..

Shihab Uddin

25th November,2019