Weird Things That Goes Inside My Mind

Working as an Observer of Observer: 2 Detox December

As I have wrote a lot of times, I have been working on a lot of things lately to observe my all minds( conscious, subconscious and unconscious) and what goes on there.

Kind of finding the problems or things I do not want to use any energy or time anymore. And doing the preliminary work of finding the problem, because it is the foundation stone of resolving anything defective or unwanted. I am trying to observe my mind from the meta level.

And in my mind continuously running tap of numerous pitch of going back to the women I loved lately. This is what I came up with today…Probably I will never send this to her, as I have already done a lot harm to my self respect by begging her repeatedly to be with me.

“In a perfectly perfect world with no scarcity or shortage of time, men or any other resources visualise yourself up to Age 80 and find out what are your needs and desires.

Think of it a regular Day job, like a cleaner or cook, Start with the process of defining the job.

Then probably start with the process of the evaluation and such criterions. You can divide it in several ways such as Physical needs, emotional needs, economic needs or as such.
Also you can define how you will name your mate, as you have noticed I didn’t refer as a lover or anything else, I have referred you as a mate, you can refer anything you like or feel about e.g Healing Partner, Sacred Partner, Fuck Buddy or whatever seems legit to you.

We have tolerated each other for more than 3 years, so mathematically according to lindy effect there is a very good probability of it to last next more than 3 years or more, quantitatively… ”

When I started my search for a mate I have asked hundreds of couples including my parents, relatives and all others how they found each other. Surprisingly I got to know from my mom then my Grandfather had a divorce back in 1947. His first wife was from an educated family and she divorced my grandfather, probably because he was overweight like me, I don’t know the exact reason though but as far I know She divorced him through a court and my grandfather cried for her standing in the court — that’s what I heard from my mom.

Anyways the best answer I got from a friend cum ex-colleague, although I used to hung out with her in the beginning days of my career for dealing with loneliness, and she used to wear nice looking Share’s, but that is another story. The answer was like this

“He told me to be with him, and I am just trying to be, I didn’t know what else is coming up, probably will never know, we are just trying our best to be with each other — and that’s it”

I did a soul searching and introspection on what do I need…

I find out…

• I need a mentor — who will be able to suggest me or give me the privilege to consult with her everything that is going on with my life
• I need a therapist — or someone who is able to support me emotionally, I had a lot of emotional needs earlier and I was so much needy but these days as I am practicing emotional self reliance for quite a while probably I will not need it much in future …but at least I need someone who will not give me much trouble emotionally as it creates a lot of problems in my day to day life.
• I need someone for whom my attraction never fades away as I tend to find a lot of flaws for people I hung out, all the human beings are deeply flawed even I am too. I am faulty beyond repair, but I was looking for someone whose good qualities can supersede the flaw part. I have a polyamorous mind, I fall in and fall out every quickly, that’s why keeping the attraction sustained for long time is really important for me.

The recent women or Candidate I had chosen was fulfilling all my needs, that’s why I felt probably she could be my mate. But it didn’t happen with everything preplanned, I have improvised a lot along the journey and started with hiring her as a mentor first.

And I tried everything that is possible in my human capability to pursue her and failed…although I still believe we could have been great mates but she needs to believe in it too. Right now I am trying to respect her wishes and desire to be in distance.

Also it is helping me to gain emotional balance, as I had become too much dependent on her for a period of 3 years and couldn’t even spend a single day without contacting her.

But as I always do this thing, start many things and do not finish .. I am still trying to find inside my mind and identify what does Detox really means and living slow. Funny thing is that, I recently found out that there is a thing called Slow Living movement and lots of books and resources out there for it. Such as I have been trying to listen a Podcast about it ….

I Started writing this blog 4 days prior on December 5 and on the journey I also forgot about a lot of things I wanted to write about such as

• I watched porn lately after really long time, I gave a call to someone and a small child picked up, and she said mom and daddy are in shower together, and that triggered within me something, I couldn’t resist my urge to look up in Internet for sex in Shower porno, We used to call those Poco in Engineering school. And there was a huge collection of those in our network servers. Anyways I found my internet connection provider blocked those too, probably due to recent law passed against porno, and also my mobile has grayscale enabled. You can imagine how porn looks in Grayscale … like completely …dust .. anyways all those excitement fade away right after the ejaculation … through masturbation..
• I don’t know why women think I am looking at their special parts while I am just observing their beauty of face or structure, I just observed this again in a middle aged lady… I love observing people and their beauty, anomalies, whatever it is … All the humans have their specialties in their structure.
• I got again the same band score in IELTS, but my score in Speaking is reduced and in reading increased by half point :), I don’t know why.. I will never understand or can say after attending an exam that I will receive this grade.. or point. As I am always forgetful … I need to keep trying to find ways out of this or make it work through my own ways..
• Finally as its a Detox Month .. I thought to limit it within 10 posts and slowly crafting within a period of Day 3–4, whatever feels more genuine and organic.

With this on a Wonderful Day …oh.. I really forgot about what I started to write about in this blog … But Luckily I had drawn a mind map prior. I will give just the list here as I completely forgot in detailed ideas.

1. Imposter Syndrome i.e fear of being found as a fraud, I guess I first encountered it in Scott Hanselman’s blog( Some big shot Microsoft Executive known for doing things on his own way) quite a few years back ..
2. Need for optimisation in all areas of life, I assume it came from my work in Database optimisation industry.
3. Distrust or fear of being cheated by other people … This could be a sign of Schizo .. I don’t know the more I am reading about Schizophrenia I am feeling like why I can’t call all the human beings a Schizophrenic cause I have seen all the human beings living their lives with such symptoms
4. Rehearsal of Imaginary conversations for dealing with people … Probably I have become good with people over the years but I still do this a lot, in fact happens through autopilot within my mind continuously when its something tough or uncomfortable.
5. Sub-conscious negativity … Replies, Revenge fantasies of past wounds, misbehaviours.. Such as the other day I met a Classmate in the road, although I didn’t say anything to him, He told me “hey Fatso”, funny thing is that I haven’t remained a Fatso anymore and probably his weight is more than me now. Secondly I was thinking in Gym what I Could have replied, Like Hey … Skinso or any word I could have made up. I don’t know I quietly avoided him and probably I will never reach out to him anymore for anything. But I was having a lot negative and fierce thoughts of reply while I was working out in the Gym.
6. Negative Memories .. or the wounded animal that resides in me always grieving, trying to make peace with whatever it is holding inside.
7. Fantasies about future best case scenarios about love and everything else such as the latest Women I loved so much, probably she will one day wake up, and feel like of having me again back in her life,I don’t know may be that will never happen but I keep dreaming … that’s why we are alive right?
8. And Planning about almost everything … I love planning … Its one of my favourite things to do in Day to Day lives…

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Shihab Uddin

December 8, 2019