Street Fights
And Worrisome Anger: 5 Detox December
I had another street fight today, kind of an argument with a car driver. The road was half clogged due to recent improvement initiative of water supply system. And I was trying to find a way to give him side, yes, the road was also blocked on the other side due to a Rickshaw parking.
I am slow, very slow to respond, at first I was trying to understand what should I do and the driver started to threaten me with rough words. I couldn’t resist my temper and started acting on it. Probably I have shared earlier I am trying a lot these days to control my emotions and not to react on other people or external situations. But also struggling to deal with commitment a lot times almost everyday, I listened to a talk about anger recently someone trained herself in Karate just for the sake of street fights.
Anyways I had a good day, I went to the Victory Ride of the ever growing Bangladesh Cyclist Group, Surprisingly I did not feel any urge to call anybody. I met an old man in front of the parliament and we had wonderful conversation about religion, career prospects and diets. He was complaining about his son going on without carb and choosing Industrial Engineering instead of Computer Engineering. I assured him that there’s a lot of opportunities out there for Industrial Engineers too, both in country and abroad and making huge buck, as in South Asia people mostly worry about their kids choice of subject with the probability of making big financially or not. And still I could not satisfy any parent with my statements that Education does not have direct positive correlation with wealth creation capability. It’s a different kind of skill and its needs to sell your entire soul, you as a vessel in front of the world, no matter whatever you have — knowledge, body, arts or whatever service you are providing. Not to mention at one point of my life I tried to sell myself as CONVERSATION ARTIST, although I did not make any buck for it so far, but I was treated in many expensive restaurants, cafes and was given huge amounts of personal loan without any interest or security for that, But now I am trying to retire from that profession as like other previous professions of mine to work on my new found passions such as reading voraciously, doing mathematics, learning flute, working out in Gym, meditating and Writing.
I am also not good at selling, probably I will never be. But that’s not my focus at all, I love to create, play with words and serve. That’s what matters for me.
And I don’t need much amount of money too, I am happy to ride bicycle and live in a small apartment cooking for myself and living liquid.
If I have enough to serve my family and feed my tummy with reasonable amount of food that is enough. Even I can go without food for maximum 5 days with only water, I did that experiment many times last few years out of anger/hatred to thyself or with the intention of torturing myself, that’s what my therapist has always warned me to be careful about. One of my friends once warned myself about that strongly with words ..”Please Don’t kill yourself”
My ballerina friend( whom I am still so in love) always taught me to be kind to myself and practising self-love. While I was writing this I received a call from the new security guard, listened to him for 15 minutes or such, his complains about the other security guard and the House owner. My suggestions were do what you can and move on, if you think staying is best for you Stay, if you think moving on is better than do that, just don’t make fuss of it and don’t give much attention to it either. I love listening to people’s wound. Still now I cannot understand why people open up their wounds in front of me, probably I am so easy going that’s why.
I haven’t yet finished reading the book on wholeness by Jackson Mackenzie, probably I will soon in January, I need to resolve my Core wound next year. 2020 will be a year of healing — resolving core wound and cultivating a focused life through all aspects.
I just had a conversation with mom, she was complaining, I listened and did not say anything. I am happy, I am whole and I need nothing…
I also shared very same thing to my friend don’t feel any extra obligation to me for my monetary favour similar to my Ballerina friend. I helped you, because I felt the need of it, but I do not want to create an imbalance. In psychology there is a concept of mental accounts, which means you feel obligation to other people for their other favours and try to give back in whatever possible way you can and thus create a large amount of resentment.
Anyways, my brother is having his food, probably I will skip dinner tonight, I had a burger after really long time, I cannot even recall when did I ate a burger last time.
With these …
On a Wonderful Cold Evening .. I love chilling with the chilled bones, While I was editing these Mom called again, She was worried and every time I don’t know whatever I say she feels like I am crying, and with her words tears drops automatically from my eyes… I cannot, could not resist it … She was recalling my dead elder brother, prospect of if he was alive and would have taken care of me, and such …. I need to conclude and weep fully… to let the emotion go…
Shihab Uddin
