Still Single, But I feel Whole by myself

An Ordinary Human Being’s Journal -3

I grew up in an anti-romantic household. Romanticism felt like sin or something to mock about. I had nothing to look for in my other half or partner. That’s why I ended up naming my story of love in my memoir, “Marriage with a banana tree”.

It’s a famous Bengali saying, that means you go by family choice. But freedom fucked me, for big time. From 2011 to 2021, I spent 10 years meeting numerous prospective candidates. I tried everything, logical dynastic marriages, romantic ones, none worked. Then I realized the only person I need to be in love with myself and something bigger than me.

No one outer than me can complete me. Everything what I need now or in future is within myself. I complete myself. I have what it takes to go through life by myself.

But my expectations has risen, from a Banana tree to a Columbia summa cum laude ballerina. Now I am trying my best to come back to roots, where I was. By this time I have realized, the person is not important while getting involved with someone. Or in other words while marrying, important is what I do after the event? How do I cultivate a healthy relationship, sustain it for longer term. I have been reading a lot, taking courses, participating in recovery programs to heal myself and move forward in that direction.

Also identifying my dysfunctional compulsive obsessive patterns. I was looking for fix for my life in love, in another person. Also felt super obsessed about that person, I even shared with her sometimes I do feel like absorbing her within myself. The statement demonstrates how deadly is my disease. Love, fantasy and validation addiction is not recognized my medical science. But many consider it as a behavioral flow.

My anxiety, depression or the little human inside me who always feels not enough just looking for the fix in the other. Using people as a drug to make myself feel whole, poor internal boundaries and all other destructive coping patterns I had developed to live gives me continual emotional troubles.

I am still digging deep inside, to know more, what made me compromise my values? What happened to me that I became a chronic liar? How I became a emotionally needy person? How I ended up faking my marriage to remain in touch my last romantic interest? My stalking and all other dysfunctional behaviors.

I disrespected myself and others too. Lost my inner and outer dignity. As well as violated others too. I made myself suffer and also made other feel very same for the sake of myself. I ended up giving away my time, energy, human dignity, money and everything else begging people to remain in touch with me.

Reading a lot about healthy sustainable long term relationships, what does it, how can I cultivate in my life and what could be healthy progression towards it for myself?

What are my values? How much I can compromise on them? But I do not feel the need anymore to have someone with me. A part of me wants to bypass institution of marriage. Even already making plans to do that, such as hiring therapist for emotional needs and surrogate for having kids. For sex, I still need to understand my personal values more, for the time-being celibacy and healthy masturbation seems the best suited options for me.

I love myself, in fact I have never loved myself this much in my entire life. I feel whole most of the time. But it is true when my needy inner child activates I do act out. I do not beat myself with a hammer after that, I sit with myself and have a kinder and gentle conversation with myself after that. Besides I have developed a peer support group on relationship issues.

Life is livable, I am open to possibilities. Taking care of myself is my first priority, no matter whatever happens, whether I am with someone or I am alone, I am whole, But I have needs. If I ever get involved with someone again, that will be on need basis, not for feeling the hole within me.