Sleepless Nights

And Chronic Masturbation: No Blue November Day 26

Although I cannot count the exact hours in numbers and as far my i-phone sleeping app I slept for about 1.5 hours yesterday night. I looked for sleeping pills( Quetapine 25, that I have been taking from last few nights), I could not find any. I could not understand why?

I had worked out well in the Gym, had a hot shower before bed, I was tired, I was supposed to be asleep?

I tried meditating, Yoga Nidra, it did not work out, then I started reading a book, I guess I read several books as I was mostly awake at the night…

But at max I can recall Cal Newports “Digital Minmalism” and Life Plan from another author. Also I had changed a lot of settings in my Cell phone.

One thing I am trying to make sense these days,

when I am trying to train my attention and focus,

Am I spending a lot of time reducing my distraction or is it worth

Or Rather trying to cultivate deep focus on few number things would be more efficient?

I don’t really know, I think I should work on the both way. One thing I realised yesterday may be I am asking a lot of things from myself… on any given day and prioritising wrong relationships.

Probably I need to focus on only a few number of things, on any given Day one Thing only.

I have started reading many books in last few months, signed up for dozens of courses and meditation courses, also spent a lot of time meditating, working out, decluttering my life.

I read a buzzword called “Leisure Focus”- I don’t really know what it means though but I need to try to make a sense of it.

Anyways I am feeling a lot crying now, I bought the morning Medicine today and had some, and enjoying the warm feeling in the back of my head with a massive burst of hopelessness.

I am trying to figure out is the IELTS exam on Friday or Failure to be on time and ahead in both IELTS and Tax filing, or need to make money or resentment for not receiving love in any of my romantic adventures in life so far?

I don’t know, I need to meditate on it and find out the problem sometime later, I don’t know how many times I masturbated yesterday, every time I visualised a different characters, sometimes It was a random women I have seen in the road and few times the latest women I have loved.

I have about 5 hours to achieve something, then hide in my apartment, as my ex-colleague and cum pseudo-friend recently texted me where I am hiding myself these days.

With those on a Sunny Wednesday… Oh I was quite amazed how my brother could recall a Hindi song probably he has listened many years prior, I believe some parts of his brain is still active and functional, I just need to find out ways to make it use, I downloaded a recent research paper about it, probably We are not communicating with properly, I searched a lot through phrase , “communication language with a language with a schizophrenic”- I only found that one.

Money Spent on 26th November 2019:

1. Commute — Rickshaw — 55+ Bus — 30( 15+15- I cannot recall I had walked or not in the morning)
2. Food — Tea — 30( 5+5+8- I cannot recall how many times I took tea- approx) +Singara — 5( 5- Probably once)+ Peanuts — 10 + Puffed Rice-10+100( Egg)

Total Daily Cash Credit- 150 BDT ( Commute — 85+ Food-65)

Total Daily Non Cash Credit— 100 BDT at Osman’s Shop

Money Income — Zero

Time Spent on 26th November 2019:

1. Gym — Gym Only Cardio
2. Library — Writing Blog, Reading two books — Life is a pitch about 31 pages and Flanimal’s of Ricky Gervais, although it was comic book, Discussing about IELTS and doing finance calculations.

Btw Have a Good Day.

Shihab Uddin

27th November, 2019