Re-pArenting Myself
Or My Future Partner : No Blue November Day 27
While I was trying to sleep yesterday by constantly masturbating I had a quite a few good ideas about coupling, sometimes I get a lot of good ideas about love making or my ideas of coupling then.
One of those were re-parenting myself and my partner,
I want to take care of my partner like a small baby, I read somewhere about it that adult love is a recreation of child love, where both partners are looking for the gaps to be filled by the parent they never had, in my case I was always looking for the Mom I never had in the women’s I was looking for as a lover.
Such as I recalled about approaching a 4 Years Senior Engineering Graduate from my University via Text while I was residing my University Resident Hall. Although She told She had forgiven me but as far I recall I had never asked for it. As far I know she works in the Atomic Energy commission now-a-days.
Also talking with lots of Senior Women’s Via Text, Cell phone, definitely peer pressure or my mental models were looking for a wise mate quite desperately back then , I don’t know, although I have stopped the search now.
As I lately hired someone who is although 2 years younger than me but I found her more wiser than me, in fact she is and I am really grateful for being able to learn a lot from her during this time. But one thing I fucked up there, I ended up falling for her and messed up. But that’s a different story.
I will try coming back to the main focus of the story, the fantasy, I want to re-parent my partner( if I ever had) asking her what she missed from her Father as a child, that she always wanted to have. Also I want very same from the opposite end. That’s the concept. It may include taking sole care of her like a small child like feeding her, helping to shower, changing clothes etc. It’s just a mental fantasy, I don’t really know what it will look like in reality and also will be dependent on her desires and comfortability.
I keep dreaming about these love making fantasies every-time I masturbate, while the character keeps changing, now its the latest women I had grown feelings for and as usual she was always unavailable for me. I thought I would write abut those fantasies, but I completely forgot all of those now.
But one important thing I have done today, I have selected my personal values for life, they are
a. Wisdom — Discovering and Understanding Knowledge i.e learning something everyday or in other words reaping fruits/leaves or whatever meant to be possible almost everyday
b. Inner Harmony — Being at Peace, no matter what challenges the day brings, practice the attitude of calm, peace, Serenity and tranquility.
c. Creativity — Being imaginative, innovative i.e create something almost everyday, I would say that can be in any forms such as writing, solving a problem, designing something or whatever possible form I can create.
I am so happy to have the ability to select those, now the task is put into practice those in all of my day to day activities, I don’t know how I will do this, but hopefully I will know it soon, or not, let’s see.
Money Spent on 27th November, 2019
- Commute: Rickshaw-70(50+20)+ Bus-15
- Others : Food — 10Tea ( 5+5 )+ Singara — 8 + Medicine — 95 + Puffed Rice-10+ Egg- 100
Total Daily Cash Credit — 308
Total Daily Non Cash Credit- 935
Total = 1243( 935+308)
Total Daily Earning — 0
Time Spent on 27th November, 2019
- Library Time: I found a book about vipasana and read few chapters from it. And worked on the values part from The Life plan book. Although skipped preparing for IELTS though, did some discussion on tips and tricks with some folks at the library.
- GYM Time: Skipped
One thing I have realised I need to be super honest about my stresses, tests and results with people who has earned the right to listen that.
And no matter I fuck or get a Double Zero( 00) in the exams, it does not matter. I just need to hold myself together for any possible outcomes.
With these on a Wonderful Thursday, I Slept about 8 years yesterday night, although my sleep was disturbed a bit in the mid, I ended up reading a book for sometime rather masturbating, then I again fell asleep while reading.. then I realised I need to find some productive or fruitful activities to make those times feeling not so miserable.
Shihab Uddin
28th November, 2019
