Need for Comfort Increased

Day One: Post Covid Recovery

I had a good enough day. I am leaving home tomorrow, bought tickets this morning. Went to the city to buy tickets by myself.

Recently all my fantasy addiction, seeking comfort in external resources has increased. Such as chasing unavailable people. I guess that is an escape my mind has invented to avoid facing things in front of me.

I am also afraid of a lot of life changes, such as tomorrow moving to the Capital where I live alone. The luxury of food being ready at my home will be gone. I have to worry about cooking etc.

I have learned a lot of grounding techniques in the last few years but none of those worked yesterday. I shouted a lot, saying what not I can and later ended up making myself suffer again.

I have been reflecting a lot what is the reason behind my obsession with suffering? Why do I measure my worth based on external measures? I am digging deep within my trophy seeking mind.

I have spent a significant part of my life being exceptional or something better than average. Now, I do not want to be any of such kind. I want to be ordinary, not known, not heard, quiet and live as simple a life as possible.

I need to be extra cautious about my emotional involvement. I am taking therapy, from two therapists, both giving me different perspectives. Besides I have found a lot of support in the SLAA community. I have also received an immense amount of support from my biological family, my mother, sister, brother in law.

My current internal enemies are Internal Anger, frustration and exerting them in places I do not want to. One way going back to the city will be good, it will give me time to build self-discipline, food habits, mental habits and as well as quiet time, alone to reflect within.

Here’s to the uncertainty, bring it whatever you can, I am here sitting still inside.