My Goals of Trying to Remain Alive is Dwindling

Day End Thoughts on my Writing Therapy Day 3

As I wrote many times, this is my therapeutic writing series, here I am trying to heal myself from depression and all the Psychiatric problems and trying to be something better — I would say from Andrew Solomon’s words opposite of being Depressed is being Vital, that you feel that you matter.

But I felt incredibly bad today, I don’t know how. The Day started well, then I binged on food, had Chinese food, made fun of myself in front of a large crowd, then called a friend, got refused, came to home, tried to watch a movie, tried masturbating few times, then texted a woman few times — It seems the usual drama is happening with me.

The Bad habits I have recognised so far:

a- Making myself Cheap and asking from help who doesn’t give a fuck about me

b- Making fun of myself

c- Not Being Able to stick to a goal

d- And the feeling of incredible sadness.

I don’t know, but I cannot tolerate this things in myself, I need to get over this things, work hard and find myself.

I shall overcome, I will overcome. I have deleted whatsapp and all the messengers again.

Let’s stick to it again…Its the continuous practice of stopping myself while I am repeating the very same patterns … That is the key I have learnt so far.

I have done this things so many times in my life, its kind of became embedded in myself, I need to do now to get rid of this things.

Shihab Uddin

26th September, 2019