Mistaken Fallibility

And Ergodicity, Not being Afraid : 4 Detox December

Day 1

I observed yesterday that I am making a lot of mistakes in my English writing, also in my day to day life. I know I am faulty beyond repair, but I have been meditating calmly within my inner mind how I might be able to increase my accuracy level.

Such as being accurate on while I am writing, speaking/talking, dealing with people, doing finances or taking treatments from these stupid doctors.

I have finally decided that I will challenge my Speaking score for this stupid test called IELTS, recent retake one, probably first thing to do next Saturday. Besides I am a little bit worried about disorganised state of my apartment, a lot of things to do, I will try to work on that later today and sometime tomorrow.

Although I am trying to detox but it seems I have failed brutally on my obsession of reading in internet keeping too many browser tabs open /books/my latest obsession with unscheduled meditation and podcast.

I heard there’s a psychological disorder called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder( abbreviated as OCD), probably I can be labelled as one of them. At least I can recall my roommates complains from the Engineering School about it — although I never paid heed to them, I kept doing the very same thing unless I have lost complete interest to do it anymore.

Anyways I love observing people’s structure, specially women’s curvature of hip while I am walking or commuting or just sitting lame duck. But what I have found almost every time when I am paying attention to someone from the back seems exciting and attractive, from the front it seems so depressing. It happened this morning too.

I was observing a middle aged women, in her morning walk with headphones on, very solid from the back, good posture and attractive hips, fully coloured hair but when I went in front all the excitement fade away. I assume this is also an example of fallibility or example of mother nature not giving everything to everyone uniformly.

I had shown my gym instructor my uneven man boobs( right one larger, like women’s and left one toned, while I had a surgery in left one in childhood)-the instructor was quite surprised while hearing that the right one is natural. Inside my mind the tape was running like, My grandfather from the maternal side had both of them similar like this and probably through the law of genetics I have received those from him. Also my slightly skewed shoulder, I guess its my long standing bad habits. A lot of people have asked me in childhood to have good posture or walk with a straight shoulder, but probably I didn’t listen and failed to put it in practice.

I don’t know whether I can fix it or not but I will try, I skipped gym for two days, because of lack of sleep, first day I thought I would sleep tonight well with melatonin and that night I slept only for one hour as far I can recall but yesterday I was able to sleep better with the help of my brothers sleeping pill. Oh, I masturbated while thinking about my ballerina friend, and all those fantasies — probably never will be true but what matters …I can enjoy it now making up inside my mind.

And Ergodicity is a new word I learned from N.N. Talebs book and I am still trying my best to make sense of it.

That’s it for today …

written on 12th December,2019

Day 2

Worrying about worrying is one of the biggest problems I face in my day to day life such as what should I work on, should I work on something or anything else. I am going to do a Bipasona from December 19th to rest of the year and find myself through a still practice. A part of me is keeping high hopes about it and a part of me not keeping anything at all.

I have been juggling between all my obsessions and also the necessity of making bucks for my living expenses. At least for my own fooding, housing and other expenses. I had applied for a barista position in a local favourite coffee shop, earlier I have spent significant amount of money in sipping coffee from their stores, although most of the time it was paid by others.

Unfortunately they didn’t reply, most probably they have thought me over qualified and also may be thought about longevity of my duration there. I love coffee and I thought probably I could spend sometime there researching coffee and doing unscheduled meditation, voracious reading.

I have cleaned my laptop this morning with deep passion and using considerable amount of time, according to my ex-boss now I should be a professional laptop cleaner. I had an interesting discussion with my American friend Michael on the way to airport from Bali about passion, he was saying bullshit-ing your employee in the name of passion seems happens everywhere. Somewhat randomly I also happened to found out one Standford life design lab research paper that significant number of people( probably more than 80%, I cannot recall the exact number) will never find passion, they will just do almost everything or live regular lives.

The new security guard had a fierce debate with the House owner, this is happening with full-time employment almost everywhere. And the other security guard probably a little bit off against me as I am not giving him any money recently for anything. Money talks as I have learned again and again in my life.

I also don’t feel any obligation to give money to the other guard, because of his smoking habit. As I hate smoking and I do not want my money to be spent on tobacco, but he is overall a good person — But as always moNey Talks.

Written on 13th December,2019

Day 3

Yesterday was a Friday. During my work weeks of a corporate jobber, I used to spend most of the weekend time healing, planning or work on my ability of thinking clearly with my constant struggle to deal with negativity or hatred of vicious corporate politics.

Later at the end of the day I used to find myself in an even more miserable condition, and no matter how much I have planned to go ahead with the work or accomplished office work at home it seemed it didn’t really matter at all. My boss would always find something else wrong such as a comma missing somewhere or I didn’t accomplish this or that and that would add a lot more frustration to my efforts again. The I had given up and was waiting for be fired, as I shared in many of my articles earlier.

Luckily I am relieved from that cycle now , the vicious and completely worthless corporate culture — -where titles is all that matters. I am human and I want to be treated as a human, that’s it.

By the way Although I had made all the preparations of going to cycling at the dawn end I had changed that plan and instead spent some time with my brother. The cook had cooked some delicious food and like always I couldn’t resist my temptation to overeat and have diarrhoea, odd feeling of vomiting and a lot of troubles in the stomach again.

But I went to a movie with my brother and the for now closest friend( who feels a lot liable to me because of the money lending probably). The movies name was No Dorai ( In English Not Afraid), kind of connected with my entire soul. I didn’t know though my friend enjoyed it or not, he was doing calculations in his cellphone or calling his wife all the time, probably he was there just to accompany me or the obligation created by money lending.

I found a lot of things to connect with the movie and ended up crying, sobbing loudly. My friend observed it and several times asked me what’s wrong? I didn’t say anything, I also recalled about my fathers sudden episodes too. Probably I lactated my mothers nipples too much, that’s why I have a buttload of the weeping hormone, that’s what science says at least on explanation. I asked the latest women I loved, when Did she last cried, she told me she couldn’t recall at all.

Anyways crying is good for me and helps to clear my thoughts, feel my emotions with whole heart. My deluded mind was making a lot plans or imaginary conversations with the last two women I had loved.

Such as when the main female protagonist was asking her opposite male protagonist, are you feeling pity for me, I recalled a women I have loved asking me the very same question.

Probably romantics say the very same things to each other and when I immerse myself in the romantic dilemma I also find myself saying such bullshits.

Anyways from yesterday up to today morning I was trying to understand the movie and its plots from many different orders. Then I stopped doing it with conclusion that I am incapable to understand it.

I just had drawn some mind maps which I will share here. Oh another thing I picked a fight yesterday with an old man, and I shouted very harshly, completely lashed out there, the old man had threatened to bit me, I threatened for something more, then another fellow street man told

“Brother, do not become sentimental” — I will always recall that. It helped me to calm down, although I was having the emotional trauma continued in my inner till this morning, it went away with singing a song this morning fully.

Another surprising thing happened yesterday I met a professor from a renowned university of the country in the street, he came running to shake my hand. Kind of a sudden outburst of kindness, though I was in bicycle and I told him that I locked my brother in home, and he was asking me about my work and etc.

I also did not want to confront that question, just ran away quickly, surprisingly I was able to do that. My imposter syndrome was making me fearful.

Today one of the big conglomerates of the country called me about work opportunity, they are doing massacring things in the consumer market. I see whole market is full of their goods, and I heard from product designers in their institution, they design dozen new products every day, they make everything, almost everything, food, electricity, plastic goods and what not.

In last 3 years I was interviewed for their Head of Technology role twice, and still they couldn’t move on with the hiring process. And first time when I was interviewed, the Head guy was sharing lots of big plans etc. and most shockingly they guy fell from the elevator the next day and died instantly.

From that incident I realised how tragic life could be, he was telling me they want to be Amazon of Bangladesh, and the next morning he went to see one of his employees stuck in lift, he was in panic and reached the wrong floor and jumped in the empty space.

And Black swan got him, his intentions was good and life did not give him any mercy or second opportunity.

I need to make money and live below my means, be debt free and make a sustainable way for spending, I should have been more cautious after getting fired. I was watching Khan Academy lessons on personal finance yesterday, Kind of revising, I am trying to find out flaws in my planning or bottlenecks.

I will end now…That’s what I had offer for now.

I am still entrapped in between a lot contents such as podcasts, books, audiobooks, exercising, organising, meditating in unscheduled manner and a lot other obsessions of mine.

But I am here for myself for now and that is enough. On the movie review: I took 3 photographs from 3 different angles and later I couldn’t decide which one is better, if you somehow find out which one is better would you please share with me?

Written on 14th and 15th December jointly