Looking Back Within

On My Within Qualities: My Writing Therapy Day 16

I started today with negative thoughts, I am struggling to control my Homunculi’s — or in Danile Kahnerman’s world small humans inside my brain, who are always talking inside, making up ideas, generating imaginary conversations, ruminating about past or going in the future- projecting onto some bad incident that may never gonna happen.

This morning also this happened, such as whether my cook will arrive or not, then I started having thoughts about how I am going to punish her, should I deduct money from her salary or should I call her that she is fired or should I employ another one, and then let her know that I don’t need you anymore — You see this are negative biases of my mind.

I was even thinking those things while sitting in the washroom, then she arrived proving all my negativity bias wrong. I then realised all those amount of time while waking up, when I could have prayed, meditated or done beautiful things with my morning, I spent ruminating or thinking distortedly about negative things, I kind of fed my Negative monster, I need to give him a name.

Sometimes this monster helps me to be prepared from all possible calamities though, letting me know whatever worst possible scenarios might come and work on my defence mechanism.

But I do not need to feed it continuously or let grow much. I was counting on the eggs, with mistrust may be she had stole some, my stupid mind needs retraining from all those.

Anyways later I prayed, meditated on finding the unique personality traits that I have. I found following things

Helpfulness — I just helped a friend with about 300 K for a year, despite having going through some financial turbulence right now.

Compassion — I am quite compassionate, in fact I can put myself in the shoes of others very quickly and feel how the other person is feeling. It’s kind of creates turbulence in few occasions and awaking compassion in other people is one of the great ways to cheat people. I have started reading an entire book on how people play games with each other in social intercourses or when they are taking part in any activity with another human being.

I have got a full list form the meditation and quite a few questions to reflect on, I am thinking to make a wall of personal qualities and put in my wall with those. I will just write down those and questions list, including my added ones here.

• Flexibility
• Strength
• Curiosity
• Kindness
• Independence
• Authenticity
• Courage
• Openness
• Trust
• Spontaneity
• Resilience
• Anti-fragility
• Friendliness
• Compassion
• Reliability
• Encouragement
• Caring
• Generosity
• Gratitude
• Honesty
• Consideration
• Patience
• Humour
• Receptibility( I don’t know why Medium shows this word erroneous, I found in the Marium-Webster this perfectly working)
• Forgive-ness

The Questions to reflect are :

1. Gently noticing in your mind what comes up in your mind as you reflect upon on this, whatever your mind is saying or your Homunculi’s are saying to you?
2. When was the last time you have experienced one of those from somebody else? Where were you? who you were with at that time?
3. Gently reflect on each of these personality traits and wonder how how someone has contributed in your life with each/some/one of the qualities above.
4. Reflect upon one/each/some of these qualities and how you have expressed one of these/some of these/each of these qualities to someone else and that person was benefitted from your gesture/behaviour/ favour or activity- whatever you say?
5. Give yourself the permission to be here now. Noticing any residual thoughts that was left in your mind from the above practice.
6. Letting go off everything including the practice we have done above. Notice the any sensation in your body. Explore in an organic, non-systemic way.
7. How are you going with these?
8. This is all about finding an anchor, knowing yourself in detail.
9. Gently return from distraction anchoring yourself in present moment, you are strengthening your capacity of being present.
10. Say Out loud few affirmations

You are Rejuvenating/ I am Rejuvenating

You are nurturing your well-being/ I am nurturing my well-being

You are anchored to this moment/ I am anchored to this moment

11. Take a moment to reflect on the personal qualities that are coming/wondering in your mind.

12. Does this encourage you to do something new or do something that you would like to do more often.

13. May be you can write down the personal qualities that touched your heart.

14. May be you can set some reminders, what are you willing to do just today?

15. Please write down all the personal qualities/quality that you chose and try to complete the sentences from above.

In fact I am thinking to make a wall of the personal qualities that I would like to cultivate in myself, in the human within me.

Anyways these post is becoming longer I know, but its the thing that is happening right now, ideas are just flowing in like an unstoppable train.

As I was saying myself and my friend — most cases well-being is hampered by two things

1. Ability of being present — making peace with past and stopping myself to project in future.
2. And not taking actions being derived by outer consequences( could be other people, weather, an political collision or anything else)

I have been trying to keep myself present a lot in last couple of years. I hope I will get better in this practice — -

I don’t know where I am going but I am doing something that is important for now. And that what matters for me.

Shihab Uddin

9th October, 2019