I love Pain

An Ordinary Human Being’s Journal -1

It’s been a good enough year so far. I did not lose any job anymore, oh I forgot to mention I did not have any job to lose. I was not anxious for special someone, or wait for her messages or texts, or next interaction with her … It was great to be on solitude, lately I have realized the feelings I had created for this special someone was my drug.

I mean I was using her as a drug to escape from reality, my current life, presence, mentally draining tasks and going to a fantasy land where I merge myself with her into an utopian dream. But that is not reality.

How come a hyper-realist, super rational and logical human being like me became a fantasy addict? Did I ever plan for it? Was is stress and anxiety? Or My Core shame or the little human who stays inside me and always shames me calling Bogus Boo and what not. I do not know.

I am not living anymore borrowing wisdom from others. I do consult a lot of people still before making a big decision. Such as this move I have been planning for years. But I am not attached to the outcome anymore. I do not care if it does not happens now or never.

I will be fine in all circumstances. A poem that I recite almost everyday, nothing outer than me or escaping from present offers my solution for life.

Its the trade off between uniqueness and common humanity. I am living and I am enjoying company of my brother. He is like my son, I play with him and trying my best to spend some quality time with him. I have never considered him a different human being until very lately. I say to him, we are two best brothers, sometimes two best friends. Also my attachment disorder making me suffer often too.

Sometimes if he tries to run away or having minor difficulties or not having food my anxiety levels peaks. But I love care giving him. In fact I hired myself as his caregiver and in that way technically I am not losing any money despite being job less.

Finally life seems livable, regardless of all the uncertainty, betrayal or unpleasant things, just changing outlook or mindset to what I want to see.

One final note, I saw a fellow Bengali Guy with a White spouse yesterday in the street, my fantasy addict mind found some validation, if he can have it, you can too. But the truth is I do not care anymore.

Reading Gottman’s How to make love lust and trying to dig deep within more to understand my emotional triggers more clearly.

That’s enough for now.

With hope… Hope is all what we have …for now and in future

Shihab … aka a piece of dust