How I almost killed myself in Love Addiction

Luckily I was saved though, maybe for writing this stupid story

I Just Spent 5 Days in a Covid Intensive Care Unit. And you know what was the most painful part of it was?

I fell for someone. I fell really hard. It was one-sided from the beginning. I knew she had nothing for me. It was just my stupid heart and mind, and tiny little hope for it to reciprocate…

I know it never will. But that stupid hope kind of making me suffer for a long time.

I care for her, I do. I have been doing everything to support her journey anonymously for the last few years.

Recently it was our mutual birthday, I have sent her a note, she skipped the thread. I felt so hurt, I ended up having a long walk on the following day. I do not know how long it was, I guess 13–14 hours.

I started feeling very sick from that night. Later at night, I ended up having a fever, initially, it was mild, later wild. I took paracetamol, it gave temporary relief.

After few days, the fever won’t go away. When I took medicine, the fever only went away for few minutes, then it came back quickly. I felt like being in a hot chamber. Started having a cough then, along with chest pain. Went to the hospital by then once, he suspected covid. I went for a test the following day, there was so much crowd there, I could not get it done.

Luckily in the evening, my mom took me to a bigger city hospital, they took a full ct-scan of my lungs. I had an infection in the lungs due to covid. Also, my saturation started going down. Luckily the physician was an uncle, my mom was able to admit to the hospital at right time.

I was on the set for treatment, I tried to meditate, motivate myself with whatever tools I had. I have received so much love and support, from my biological family, especially my mother, brother-in-law, my two aunts who consider me as son’s as they have none.

Besides Sex, Love and Fantasy Addiction community fellows, my sponsor and the online community I had met my fantasy love.

But the confession of the love addict is, the most painful part of the entire experience, being sick, hurt, everything else was being let down by my unrequited love.

It was so painful to bear. God, I still want her so badly back in my life. On my 33rd my biggest lesson of life is forgiveness, forgiving myself and others.

I have forgiven her, maybe she had her reasons to not talk. I want her to thrive, create her best possible life.

I was taken care of, by god/almighty/ mother nature or something bigger than us very well.

May all beings be happy and free.

These days I am saying this Buddhist prayer, almost every night,

I am sure to become old; I cannot avoid ageing.

I am sure to become ill; I cannot avoid illness.

I am sure to die; I cannot avoid death.

I must be separated and parted from all that is dear and beloved to me.

I am the owner of my actions, heir of my actions, actions are the womb (from which I have sprung), actions are my relations, actions are my protection. Whatever actions I do, good or bad, of these I shall become the heir.

A small tribute to my former mentor Gillian Rhodes, who helped me with writing for many years. I wish you all the best.