I had An Anger attack yesterday

And here’s how I dealt with it: No Blue November Day 25

I don’t know how many chronic diseases I have survived but right now I can list following :

• Rheumatic Fever — the disease my elder brother died off and my father was super cautious about me for that, I remember about not missing a single doses in those 4 years of treatment.
• Vision Problem — I wore spectacles a large portion of my life from elementary school to first quite a few years of working, then I felt no need of using it, although doctor’s still suggest me glasses, but I don’t feel any need of it now.

( I got distracted while starting this, it happens to me a lot of times as I feel interested to too many things, I often start to do a thing and switch to a lot other things, and My latest boss has discovered this in my work that I am not good at finishing things or sticking with things, that’s why he always kept finding faults of mine in such arena’s, I also identified it many times in my other jobs and works, but I am still on the way to finding which things I should finish or at least need finishing touch and which doesn’t.)

• Asthma- Doctor had diagnosed it when I was troubling to even climbing stairs or having a long walk, I took medicine, inhaler and all kind of treatments for it for 1.5 years, later after starting to do long walks I didn’t feel any need of it. I still remember my doctors encouraging words, he told me even Olympic athletes had Asthma, you just keep the inhaler with you and keep doing whatever you are doing, walking, climbing or whatever high physically stressful work, although the doctor had died suddenly from a road accident.
• Inflammatory Bowel Syndrome- I was diagnosed with it too, I didn’t took a piece of medicine for it yet though prescribed by doctors.
• Dysthymia or Persistent Mild Depression — I was diagnosed with in March by two psychiatrists after careful observation through a lot of questionnaires. I took medicine for it in last 6 months continuously, although I have stopped taking the main medicine now, just take the supplementary one to help me sleep well but hopefully I will stop taking it too.

The point I am trying to make from above information, the best way to fight a disease is to forget that I have a disease and use all of its symptoms positively to cultivate more inner strength, and visiting doctors or taking medicines continuously is not a way to fight or to be victorious over it.

Anyways I will come back to the main point straight, I always go round and round on other topics while I start talking or speaking about something, I need to find a way to deal with this old habit too though.

I don’t know what was the root of the frustration and anger yesterday, it started with not being able to find my Credit cards again, but they were sitting in my table.

I looked in all my drawers, table, shouted, screamed, cursed myself saying “You poor Mother fucker, Son of a Pig, no matter how much you are trying to recall things you are just forgetting and forgetting.”

I also hit my head quit a few times, in the teen I had habit of hitting my head in the wall, but yesterday I resisted to do that. But I threw away all the drawers and luckily did not broke anything. I once broke a laptop, I was lucky these time for not doing this, I already have a shattered iPAD.

Then surprisingly I was able to calm down, and had found the cards sitting idly in the table just being hidden with my wide and long art papers. I also organised the drawers too but not in a passionated way I had done earlier.

Oh, I was also angry on my brothers care giver and director of his Day Care center, as both of them didn’t pick my call. My brother lost two pairs of his shoes, I asked him quite a few times as he is a schizophrenic, so he forgot to tell obviously.

Later in the evening I went for doing my grocery from a Super Store, I only bought Store things, skipped vegetable, egg and protein( meat/fish) as they were a lot pricey there as I am not making money I need to be super cautious about my spendings now-a-days. I am on the day to do it and make an effective plan considering the worst possible scenario that I won’t make a single penny in my life again.

By the Way I am at library now, I wrote some parts in the long overdue love letter that I am slowly crafting everyday, finished a Comedy book written by Ricky Gervais( I didn’t know he wrote a book though, I quickly skimmed the book though, I need to reread it to understand it fully but he made fun of whole humanity there, books name was Flanimal), also this morning I had read 30 pages from a book in my morning commute to the library.

The bus driver made a funny comment, he was giving me a subsidy of 5 Taka( BDT-Bangladeshi currency) for being a student, but I travel through that route everyday and he took 5 Taka more than that, may be was thinking I just arrived in the city, I skipped debating or fighting with him, I thought wasting sanity of mood or energy debating with him, will be a greater waste than 5 Taka, I didn’t do the exact calculation though, I just estimated through anchoring in my mind

This post is becoming larger, I don’t know why ? I am trying to type closing my eyes in Mac, although I haven’t been successful to do that for more than 4–5 lines, but hopefully I will be able to do it someday, as it helps me to concentrate more.

Money Spent on 25th November 2019:

1. Commute — Rickshaw — 50 + Bus — 45( 15+10+10+25- Morning I walked for sure)
2. Food — Tea — 31( 10+5+8+8- I cannot recall how many times I took tea) +Singara — 5( 5- Probably once)+ Peanuts — 10 + Puffed Rice-10

Total Daily Cash Credit- 176 BDT ( Commute — 120+ Food — 56 )

Total Daily Credit( Master) Credit — 996.39 BDT at Agora

Money Income — Zero

Time Spent on 25th November 2019:

1. Gym — Skipped Gym
2. Library — Writing Blog, Reading Digital Minimalism, Meditating, Making Plans for IELTS and other things

I have realised today as I am so forgetful I need to do this section each day at day end, also start writing the blog at the morning, end during the day time at library.

And keep the evening free of everything, for today, that is enough, I need to go back and keep doing a dozen things I had started doing which I haven’t finished yet.

Shihab Uddin

26th November, 2019