How do I create more energy?

An Ordinary Human Being’s Journal -2

I feel a lot fatigued these days. After the major panic attack I had a month before when it started. I do not know what happened then. I thought I was having a heart attack, I am gonna stop breathing. I tried all the breathing practices, grounding techniques I had learnt in last few years.

Later around mid-night I felt, I am going to die. I ended up calling an ambulance. Was thinking to call a friend after it arrives. But I could not call anybody. My body almost froze.

I was crying and sobbing in front of the security guard, requesting him to accompany me in the hospital. Luckily he had a son who have worked in healthcare prior. I took all the cash I had, and it was uncounted.

In the emergency doctor measured my oxygen levels and other necessaries. He told to go back home and try panic reducing medicine. I requested my security guards son to stay with me that night. By the way my brother was locked in the apartment during that time.

The next day I overdosed myself with that medicine and felt relieved. I was relieved and was getting a lot of calls from a lot of unforeseen issues that I want to delegate.

I took medication for two weeks, initially I thought because of fasting and anti-psychotics I am feeling such. Later even after the Eid the fatigue sustained. I know this feeling. I used to feel such in school, before exams. Even in workplace when there is too much stress to deal with.

I have realized nothing really matters to me, external recognition, jobs, goals or dreams, until I take care of my inner well-being. I.e sleeping regularly, daily at fixed times, having good nutrition, living an active life and taking steps to take care of my mind.

There is always too much negativity in the world or in family. I made a list of whom I will respond and whom I will not. But it is true I started a spree of validation seeking calls, I guess I was looking for comfort externally. It ended up being a disaster again, I felt ignored, humiliated and small, so small.

I know I am small, but that is okay for my existence. Initially I was trying to live without Criticism, Judgement or Comparison, or in other words CCJ. Now I think a little bit healthy of those is important.

But understanding of people while they are speaking is important. My oversharing and the old me who was emotionally vulnerable, needy and insecure activated again. I am happy that it did not last anger.

As a currency I have never values my time, also money too. While I seek those from others it feels scarce, while I give those I feel abundant. But luckily the universe makes a good balance.

I am getting better now, bits and bits. A lot of moments on the course of a day I do not feel fatigued anymore. But it is true on other times I do feel drowsy and weak. I hope it will go away soon.

I will survive and I will be stronger than ever before, hopefully pretty soon.

Best

Shihab