Fiercely Beautiful

Fighting Negativity With Smallish Joys: 3 Detox December

Day-1

Let me try to recall what is happening with the world and with my life, Yesterday I had locked my brother in the apartment during the daytime. At the end of the day though the security guard assured me by calling that he is alright, but I found later reaching home he isn’t.

Anyways it was a good gesture from him, not to be mentioned he is a new hire from my hometown, and surprisingly a lot of people consider breeds from there being good mannered or soft hearted. This morning I gave him 50 BDT for the task of checking in once with my brother during the day, he initially refused, then I forced him to take. As I do not want to feel any resentment or obligation later.

As I came to know there’s no way I can buy a human’s services and in a perfectly capitalist world all the human beings have freewill to work and not work for anybody. I was just trying to give back him as much I can, I know I cannot repay him anything, in fact almost anybody.

This morning I panicked a lot after going back to home from walk, I need to find a better way to manage this, such as arranging things prior night for coming back to library, complete medicating and other mandatory works as soon as after waking up… and then keep only breakfast left after walk, and focus on less .. I guess its the too much that is creating panic attacks.

Then I began to thinking why I cannot solve a problem at the beginning or very first time or predict in advance? Probably I am not that good at solving problems or I need a maiden experience to evaluate all conditions. On the after effect of panic I forgot to take my Cycle Helmet and couldn’t find my key of Bi-cycle too, while it was in my bag hiding silently.

I had a piece of Singara( a traditional Bengali snack) after reaching Shahbag, I need to cut down my habit of unhealthy snacks but today is excused as I forgot to pack healthy snacks prior. While I was walking from bus stand to library, I was having a strong outburst of negative thoughts, such as revenge conversations of my ex-boss’s claim that, “I have only worked 20% of the time and 80% of the time wasted companies money”

My replies were like this, “Why don’t you file a case with evidence of that 80%, I will pay back that money” Or protesting it further in front of the head of the company and HR, and labelling attacks like “You Stupid Old Man and as such”

By the way he was not a bad human being and I have learned a lot of things from him, and his intentions was good although ways of working was a little bit of odd, but overall I like him for what he contributed in my life as a Boss, holistically, I genuinely do.

Later a funny thing happened, I saw a small street puppy walking around a beautiful young lady, probably she came back for her convocation, I gave a weird long laugh seeing it, she also replied in kind, She had nice glasses too. My burst of negativity kind of evaporated with a small burst of joy …. cultivated through a random event…

I am still struggling a lot in between my pursuits of learning through different ways and switching in between books — I have been re-listening Nassim Nicholas Taleb, Started with Fooled By Randomness, and my latest obsession with podcasts and unscheduled meditation, working with stickies, art papers have really taken myself all in .. Such as I spent yesterday evening posting my stickies in the cork board ..also I felt the need of writing in art papers, reading books I have bought, listened to a podcast about chronic illness, I got some new insights there about IBS, which will be helpful for treating my brother, this morning I started the day with meditation and a talk about trance of unworthiness, radical compassion from Tara Brach.

Also balancing with Grocery, parenting my mentally challenged brother and house keeping…

One funny thing I couldn’t recall this morning I masturbated yesterday or not, the last I can recall I wanted to and took some napkins in my hand..I would be happy to get rid of the habit completely and receive purity ..

Day 2

Yesterday was an even more quiet day, I headed for home about 5ish from the library, had couple of snacks, found a quit empty bus, luckily the bus supervisor was nice yesterday and I had a long yet interesting conversation with a children in the way back. The kid was wanting my iPhone, in fact he was demanding his dad to buy one for him, I had a quite long enquiry with him why he wants it, his answer was because his friends have one.

I was able to pursue him that according to government rules children like him shouldn’t own a mobile phone and more specifically iPhone, so we should go to police. Then his rebuttal was, his friends parents probably notified the police or got approval from them. Finally we reached to the conclusion of writing a letter to Prime Minister to stop this, which he happily agreed and also notified his dad.

My brother didn’t do any mischief in home yesterday, rather he organised few things, the new security guard is giving good service so far, even he cleaned my bicycle without any instruction which I heavily condoned today, referring

“This is not your job”

From my ex-boss’s( who recently fired me) claims of I am trying to live on Sympathy of other people, these days I am super cautious about sharing sore and sob stories of my life with others, in fact I am doing several courses now to improve my communication and speech patterns. But I also did some mistake yesterday, I opened up myself and my family history in front of a fellow library mate, I should not keep doing this. By the way that guy was quite helpful and been so far.

It’s been hard so far doing groceries, parenting my hebephrenic brother, managing my learning work, maintaining household, finances and my personal activities such as I couldn’t make any time last week to visit Gym. But I yesterday I did it and found less time to sleep, but I woke up at 5, in quite similar timeframe like the previous two days, and slept less, I assume 5–6 hours, although I am not feeling that much sleep deprived now.

Whenever a significant change happens I am not good with adapting faster or at the very first time, most of the times I make many mistakes and then eventually get better in the second or third time.

Such as I didn’t had any panic while arriving in the library, did a morning grocery walk from the street market. I love the amazing ecosystem this city offers, it offers similar facilities and livelihood to people from lower class to upper class, just from different places, such as I can buy the same vegetable in half price then in super stores now and more fresh. Before working in big corporates I used to do so always and wondered who buys stale vegetables from Super stores, its funny though but I had become one of those later in the journey of my life too. Even If I take my bicycle and roam to nearby suburban small-towns I can buy those in more less price and more fresh, organic ones. Probably God almighty or mother nature have created a level playing field for everyone there — Rich and shortage of time or Not Money affluent and Time affluent, you both have access to same things, just you need to buy it from different things.

My optimising mind is always trying to make the max of it, such as what to buy from super stores in cheapest price and what else to buy from hawkers or suburban markets and how much time I should allocate for this, I have made some sketches and rough so far. Probably I will continually get better at this with the period of time. My ex-boss also noticed this pattern, As I had remained an object for his addiction to judgement for about one year.

I got a little bit more understanding of my brothers tantrums today, and when to leave him just alone to deal with himself in solitude. And diverting his attention huger. While cycling to the library I was having an attack of sub-conscious negativity. I was thinking may be I should talk with the founder, managing director of the German NGO run mental health facility and also vet my complains through their Hong Kong based donor and Principle of the medical college they run, who happens to be a friend of my uncle, May be I should request the Head of the facility to counsel the Driver first, then if he fails to understand give him financial punishment or even suspension.

One ancient phrase for dealing with people written by chanakya in arthashastra was wondering in my mind, it is

“Saam Daam Dand Bhed” i.e if you fail to pursue people by understanding buy them , if not then force and if it is not possible with force then just get rid of them or replace them.

Anyways probably I will never do such things, I will just built an alternative system of his caregiving. The driver is not a bad human being, he gave tremendous service for nearly 1.5 years, it’s just somehow he feels his ego was hurt and now he is trying to take revenge with punishing me or my brother whatever seems easier to him.

I cannot fix anybody, what I can do at max it to take control of my emotions, thoughts and take care of my brother. And that is what I am doing now. People will be always like these, probably 300 years later too.

I am okay so far, I have been loving to listen this new song of Anushka Shankar …Sorry I can’t recall it now..Probably its her co-creation with another divorced musician… Emotional trauma is a great resource for artistic creation and It has some mind blowing beats… in full black and white.

I will stop here for now.. and go back to work …

Have a wonderful day..

Day 3

I was under-slept yesterday and was feeling a lot sleepy. And after going home I felt like going to sleep after hanging out a little bit with my brother. Luckily everything else was okay too.

But unfortunately I couldn’t find my sleeping pills( Quietapine 25) and ended up taking a hormone tablet — Melatonin 3 mg. Unfortunately it didn’t work and the whole night passed like a nightmare.

I am trying to understand why it happens, during these nights my favourite exercise is waking up and masturbate, but I couldn’t do it too. I was trying to picture someone for it, none I could think of.

Then about near to dawn I was about to think about the latest women I have loved, although its a complete dream and as she is a quite experienced woman, I thought about she is teaching me about nuts and bolts in a women body.

I read an adult cum teen novel in my teenage at home, It’s name was “The Queen and her slave”- if I can recall it properly. The latest woman told me, she loves feminine man, probably she wants to own a man. In fact that’s what comes to my mind while thinking about Masculine woman, I had a quite bit of experience with them. They just want what they want and play with guys like toys. And most of the cases I have never found anybody so far through that process finding a long term partner.

Anyways that’s her personal issue, If She is happy with that let her be, all those pitches still wondering in my mind, everyday something new. This is what I came up with today..

“I am offering you an equal partnership in all aspects of my life, not less or not more, and all aspects means physical, economic, emotional and as such.

I had wrote my 2019 vision keeping you in my mind as partner and such other bullshits..

”

And as always I will never send it. Life is good so far, after thinking yesterday whole day I took the loan and found out, if I can do the credit repayment from the credit account and do other transaction from cash account probably I will be able to manage everything quite simply.

Although I didn’t make a single penny after June and burning my investment returns but today I have got confirmation of entrance in a new consulting platform and a sample task for a remote job.

Sometimes even after trying thousand times success doesn’t come. And I have great perseverance, I will keep trying as long as there is breath in my nostrils.

I meditated with these affirmations today…

Quit deep questions to ponder about, I will let those run in subconscious and find answers through the autopilot. And Secondly I am not saying Islamic prayers for the time-being, but hopefully I will soon do it. I need to complete the work of understanding it fully, so that I can feel it with whole heart.

With this on a Wonderful Winter Morning …

Shihab Uddin

11th December, 2019