Facing The World
And Not Picking Up Fights: No Blue November Day 13
Yesterday I went to my last office( the office I was fired), to collect my tax papers. And I was able to collect it, accidentally I bumped into the Head of technology and one boss of accounts. Head of technology asked me few questions about my life etc, I answered briefly and also said Hello to the accounts boss.
Luckily it ended well, sometimes for my introvert self facing simply the world is incredibly tough, and I was making a lot of assumptions in my mind probably they will eat me alive, ask a lot of questions etc. There were several questions and comments though, but it does not matter, I simply don’t care about those anymore.
I don’t know why I ended up speaking randomly while talking with my brothers care-giver, I didn’t need to talk that much. Probably it was the insecurity or my imposter self, I don’t know.
Later at the Gym, I ended up having a debate about religion etc. I need to be cautious about that, I don’t know what I am, through prayer, Meditation and reading I am trying to find out. But I do not want to be labeled as anything, I am here, living and that is enough.
Anyways at night, I masturbated and had shut down all the alarms, but I woke up at 4 by intention, but stayed in the bed. It was one of the days when you never feel like to wake up from the bed, then I realised keeping my brother or my cook cum maid scheduled at 6 am forces me to wake up early. I need a reason to wake up from bed almost everyday and both of those were reasons.
I had a good morning though, bought quite a bit of vegetables and fruits — all fresh and cheaply available in the hawkers market, I love the ecosystem of the city, where you can buy everything from the cheap options or hight valued options, its just your choice where you want to go and how you want to live. And right now cheap is the only option I have available, I need to finish doing my finances and predict everything well, and make alternate plans to find myself on the positive side.
with this on a wonderful sunny bright day.. I just mediated on breath with a beautiful poem on existence, I am sorry I can’t recall it now, I cannot deal with my forgetfulness, I thought about writing it while listening though.
Shihab Uddin
November 14, 2019
