Did I Ever Love Her?

An Ordinary Human Being’s Journal -4

I am an ordinary human being, powerless, needy, greedy. I make enormous amount of mistakes almost everyday, probably I will be doing such as long as I am alive. But I am not ashamed of my humanness, I am human, proudly and aggressively human.

Of course you can make sense the later part kind of creates a superiority complex in me. I am not special, the part of me that thinks there’s something very special in me kind of makes me do weird things with my life.

Such as chasing this fantasy, of this unavailable girl.

I thought I was in love, I was giving away my time, energy,talent, money and most importantly my mental peace for this thing. I was fantasizing hours writing letters to her and deleting that, analyzing what could be my next best possible move to have her, it was all happening when I was being challenged.

Probably she was my escape from reality, who I am and where I was standing in that moment. My life is not bad, I have enough money to survive, time to spend on the things I want to do or achieve. I have also quite a bit of skill-set gifted my mother nature to survive, in fact thrive in this planet.

But I do not understand when I get involved with women’s why I devalue myself so much? I start begging them to be with me.. I get so enmeshed ultimately it becomes so disrespectful for myself and for the other one.

Love seems the most meaningful and misused word I have ever learned. I put my heart and soul to understand it, yet I fail every-time.

what is love? Is it a feeling? These cannot be true. I do feel some sensations for it for sometimes, I also feel that after doing a good workout or having a good meal.

Is it a skill? or Is it a commitment?

It sounds everyone has their own definition. I am trying to learn my definition of love searching inside myself.

By the way, Did I ever love this woman? I guess when I was unattached I was doing that silently. But when I started all the manipulation tricks for meeting my own needs and desires, I was not.

Love sets people free, I had to set her free. If I had bad intentions I would have kept lying till now. I did not do that.

She is smart, intelligent and wise. I loved her mind, I will keep loving it as long as I am alive. And keep doing whatever I can do to help her thrive in journey forward.