Detox Mind, Body, Relationships, Attachments, Analog and Digital Life

And Dealing with Rough Moments: No Blue November Day 15

I had a rough night yesterday, It started with spilling water in my external monitor. It was not starting on, then I kind of had an outburst. I felt like deceived by universe, its conspiring against me, but it was not actually. It was just a bad moment.

Then I texted my friend one or two times( probably she was busy, it was none of her fault), tried to call one or two friends, both seemed busy, then I started masturbating, I could not really figure or point to one specific character or visual having sex with anybody, it was just scattered feelings and wounded thoughts, I guess I masturbated 2/3 times, I cannot even recall now.

Later I found myself asleep with weird dreams, I met my dead grandma, although I used to call her Ma( mother) most of the times, as my mother was emotionally unavailable during my childhood, she and my father did a great job raising me.

This morning I was having strange feeling, I don’t know how many times my cook has knocked in the door, I felt like I am in a coma or something like that, finally I was able to wake up and had a hot shower, I was lucky that my cook cum maid prepared some hot water by then. I had a glance at her though, I felt a wave of kindness, although she is a women but I did not feel anything sexual or something like that, I felt like she understood my need for a warm bath.

And I was able to prepare myself and my brother, but we were a little bit late, I shouted at my brother for not being able to wear shoes, but he is helpless, so shouting at him worthless, I teach him everyday to wear shoes, and he forgets the next day and its normal for him being a hebephrenic. Later we missed his bus, It was weird the driver left us without calling or any notification, we were just few minutes late, I thought the driver would give me a call at least.

I don’t know what happened then, I shouted at my brother, hit him once in head and then I calmed down myself and went back to the apartment, gave him a sedative, settled him with his favourite TV show and gave the new caretaker of the building some money to look at him at the noon. The new caregiver asked me why I am giving him the money, I told for taking care of my brother, although it was a nice Gesture though he asked why I am giving him the money, I took his number and he is from my home town( northern part of the country) and he seemed to be not money hungry.

Later I walked to the bus stand, and had a cup of tea, I had spilled some hot tea to another guy there, he made a weird claim, if you say someone sorry after killing him, would he accept? valid claim, although I said sorry twice but it was not accepted, I can still recall his fiery face, he had a band-aid in his left arm, probably broken or had an injury, I am really sorry for causing trouble to the man and hitting my brother.

Anyways I was having lots of fiery thoughts about how I can cope up with all these from the morning, what should I say to the Director of the Day Care center and how would I punish the driver, how would I arrange care-giving for my brother, what would be my communication policy. In the library after meditating for an hour with some insightful conversation on Attachment theory from buddhist and modern Psychology I feel a lot grounded now. I have re-instilled whatsapp again, and happy to see all of my friends dropped me texts and were concerned about my well-being, it was just me and the monster inside my head.

Now, I feel grounded and whole again, and reading a book on Digital Minimalism, planning my finances and preparing for the English Test which I am due to retake next week again.

Life is overall good, people are generally good unless their interests being harmed by someone else, anyways I need to keep myself grounded and Detox from all the unnecessary chaos that life offers now. I refused to attend a School reunion yesterday by lying, as I find it meaningless now, there’s no point to remain connected and its comparison inducing, and would make my mind more pitiful, In my day to day life where I can barely take care of myself, my brother is there always looking at me for giving him care, my inability to understand him also makes me terribly frustrated, also my work situation, fantasy bond with my friend and expectation of being loved also makes my life more worse.

I am planning December to be a Detox month, from all negative attachments, relationships, people, things and doing both in my Analog and Digital life, I hope I will be able to get some kind of good start from there.

With this on a Sunny Saturday …

Shihab Uddin

November 16, 2019