250 Hours in the Operation Theatre of Mind

And sitting still 125 hours in Silence with my Weird Thoughts: 8 Detox December

I haven’t converted myself to Buddhism or detached myself from Muslim community. I love my belonging to Muslim community and I will always be such. I am just trying the technique Gautam Buddha used to Heal Thyself, to resolve the tight feeling inside my chest, strange sensations within and take control of the monster inside me.

Pre-Thoughts

As I have written prior in my blogs I have been diagnosed with Chronic Low Grade depression or Dysthymia( the name in medical terminology) or in other words last one year I had terrible problem coping with the tight feeling in my heart or hollowness, emptiness within.

I had those symptoms from my early childhood but I never recognised them as a problem to create hindrance in my day to day life. Or I can say I had a very good support system from my parents or peers to deal with successfully. Also Dysthymia is a young arrival in clinical psychology i.e it has been named as a disease very lately, prior millions of people lived with it without any diagnosis or remedy.

I just wanted to try out this method without any hopes with an open mind and tranquil heart.

0-10%

12 plus hours of sitting only in silence observing breath, I kind of became restless a lot as I cannot sit for longer period. But I took it as a challenge, and there were breaks after every one hour but one or two occasions its was 1.5 hours to 2–2.5 hours in single sitting, required a great deal of perseverance.

11-20%

I am struggling to empty my mind, constant negative thoughts sometimes explosive, sometimes more than that is coming up. A lot of ideas were flowing in from all the things I have been dealing with right now.

Although the strict instructions were to observe regular breath with no holding at all and develop a sharp, equanimous mind but I kind of mixed it up with holding and slowing down entire breathing process. Guruji also told to mix it up if you struggle with thoughts so heavily which I did.

21-30%

It happened almost everyday though I sometimes traveled from past to near or far future. Such as I was looking back at my very first memories, In childhood when me and my dead elder brother went to a fair, the fair still happens in every year winter, in fact it is one of the oldest fairs of that region.

And as I requested my father to buy something imitating my brother, my father cursing both of us monkeys, probably I was 4–5 years old then. A bit of mixed memories came up both sad and happier …Sometimes tears fell down automatically from my eyes, sometimes a smiled face.

But I did not let any of those emotions take over me, I just observed them equivocally.

31-40%

The Assistant teacher summoned me, I burst into tears, and started describing pity stories. He stopped me and told come back to the work matters, were you able to observe breath normally?

I told yes but I cannot concentrate for longer period, sometimes I was able to observe it for 1–2 minutes sometimes lesser. Also I changed a lot postures, he requested to practice together, we did.

And my legs were jammed, I could not stand up after the duet work finished, He calmed me saying ,”It’s too normal”.

41-50%

Vipassana Started with breath-work, I am observing all sensations in my body and impermanence of them gently, calmly. I found sometimes its itching in my top of head and in the second scan its gone.

Also I witnessed huge sensations of my back pain, and hormonal sensations induced by testosterone.

51-60%

Teacher was summoning meditators according to groups. I was in Group C-male. He asked did I observe any sensations?

Also the rule of complete stillness i.e no open eyes, no change in postures or hand stand was imposed for three hours each day from prior day. I failed big time in it, I was only successful in keeping my eyes closed. But I could not stay longer in a posture in the entire program.

61-70%

My deluded mind was making lots of plans, such as plans of getting back the last women I loved or dealing with attachment both in positive, negative and neutral pathways, my work situation, how can I improve my brothers life experience.

My wounded soul also risen many times, such as it was reflecting on all the hateful statements, making a little of fictitious revenge plans.

71-80%

I am still observing my sensations, testosterone has taken huge control in the stage of sensations, everything was making me horny, a leg, a glimpse of a women body or any past memories with women.

But I was not paying it much attention, just going through symmetrically, top to bottom, bottom to top all the sensations, cravings that starts and ends in my body momentarily.

81-90%

I feel a lot lighter, my back pain or tight feeling in my chest lightened up a little bit but it did not go away. Also the teachers have said it will take a lot more time.

I was also thinking how I can integrate it in my daily or whole life. But I felt good that at least for the time-being I have found something to work on my core wounds.

91-100%

Noble silence ended after the morning session. Although it was strictly prohibited to talk through voice or gestures but a lot of people asked me questions or tried to communicate with me.

And the meditator beside always thought I was looking at his watch whenever I made eye contacts with him. I was trying hard to stop making eye contacts. After the silence people started talking, some were amazed, praising it, some were doing regular bullshitting about their lives, works, experiences.

As always the most common question was … What do you do?

I told politely I have a piece of paper that says I am an engineer, but I have retired from that profession, now I am exploring and in liberty. Then the money question came up, I told I had saved up some money and invested in some places which helps me live comfortably and support my family too. Then the where question came up too. Then I stopped answering.

I exchanged smiles with couple young girls in the meditation hall, although in the entire program men and women were not allowed to communicate, these girls came to me and asked about the reason of smile, I told nothing ..I just felt like smiling and I did not have any reason either for it.

My roommate shared about my waking up at late night and crying.. to be mentioned as medication is not allowed I did not took my sleeping pills and antidepressants. Late at night when I awaken, I feel very sad and often cry, he witnessed it.

I found a lot things to connect with fellow meditators from all religions.

Post-Thoughts

I am trying to establish full control over my entire being, and it seems I don’t have much control over me, and Vipassana is a good exercise for it. I fell in love with the discipline of the program, I always loved disciplines prior too, probably it started to develop through my experience of army run schools and strict home tutoring for long period such as studying 10 plus hours almost everyday from grade 5–8. I refer those period as the golden period of my life.

Probably I will take part 3–4 more programs of such in 2020 as these are completely free including housing and fooding expenses are covered these would be a quite good way to find my healing and reclaim my sanity.

In other words I found one more way to spend rest of my life, a lot of people have complained over the years that I am not a good fit for the society, I should adapt myself or etc. etc. I found a place for myself, at least next 50 years of my life, meditation halls of Vipassana around the world.

Reading, Meditation and Writing … I think these three would take significant portion of my time in coming years.